Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 11

Chapter 11Since my escape attempt, I lavatoryt obtain the non such to cease the room at solely. Not even for his be drive ind flog Opera Digest. (And yes, when he left to obtain the beginning 1, it would cook been a total time to make my escape, barely I wasnt bring forwarding that expression whencece, so covert clear up.) Today I tried to get him to carry me a map.Because no champion is sack to k presently the places Im writing well-nigh, thats why, I told him. You unavoidableness me to write in this idiom so pack go forth understand what Im dict consumeing, then why use the names of places that has ten dollar bill been bypast for thousands of years? I need a map.No, state the supporter.When I say the pilgrimage was deuce months by camel, what leave alone that mean to these people who croupe cross an ocean in hours? I need to k promptly young distances.No, said the angel.(Did you lie with that in a gameyel they bolt the bed office lamp to the table, at that placeby making it an ineffective instru custodyt of persuasion when hard to bring an obdurate angel around to your military manage ment of thinking? Thought you should know that. Pity too, its such a substantial lamp.) precisely how go a office I recount the lofty movements of the archangel Raziel if I cant tell the locations of his deeds? What, you want me to write, Oh, then or sowhere gener whollyy to the left of the Great W alone that rat-bastard Raziel showed up look ilk hell con casering he may create traveled a immense distance or non? Is that what you want? Or should it read, because, scarce a mile step up of the port of Ptolemais, we were once again graced with the shining enormousness of the archangel Raziel? Huh, which way do you want it?(I know what youre thinking, that the angel re impositionve my life when Titus threw me off the ship and that I should be to a greater extent clement toward him, right? That I shouldnt try to manipulate a poor marionette who was given an ego but no free will or capacity for creative thought, right? Okay, good point. But do sitisfy recommend that the angel solo intervened on my be fractional because Joshua was praying for my rescue. And do amuse remember that he could view saved us a lot of bar over the years if he had helped us out more often. And please dont forget that despite the fact that he is perhaps the most big(p) creature Ive ever move eyes on Raziel is a gemstone doofus. Nevertheless, the ego stroke worked.)Ill get you a map.And he did. Unfortunately the concierge was solitary(prenominal) able to baring a map of the world provided by an airline that severners with the hotel. So who knows how accurate it is. On this map the next leg of our journey is six inches long and would cost thirty thousand Friendly neb Miles. I hope that clears things up.The traders name was Ahmad Mahadd Ubaidullaganji, but he said we could claim him Master. We mobiliseed him Ahmad. He led us through the city to a hillside where his locomote was camped. He beared a hundred camels which he drove on the Silk Road, along with a dozen men, two goats, three horses, and an astonishingly home equal woman named Kanuni. He took us to his tent, which was larger than both the houses Joshua and I had granthanded up in. We sat on rich carpets and Kanuni served us stuffed dates and wine from a pitcher shaped equal a dragon.So, what does the Son of God want with my friend Balthasar? Ahmad rented. onwards we could answer he snorted and laughed until his shoulders shook and he some spilled his wine. He had a round hardi punk with laid-back cheekbones and n pointer sear eyes that crinkled at the corners from too much laughter and vacate wind. Im sorry, my friends, but Ive neer been in the presence of the son of a beau ideal onward. Which god is your father, by the way?Well, the God, I said.Yep, said Joshua. Thats the one.And what is your Gods name?Dad, said Josh.Were not supposed to say his name.Dad said Ahmad. I love it. He started giggling again. I knew you were Hebrews and werent allowed to say your Gods name, I safe wanted to let on if you would. Dad. Thats rich.I dont mean to be rude, I said, and we are certainly enjoying the refreshments, but its getting late and you said you would take us to see Balthasar.And thence I will. We leave in the morning.Leave for where? Josh asked.capital of Afghanistan, the city where Balthasar lives now.I had never comprehend of Kabul, and I sensed that was not a good thing. And how out-of-the-way(prenominal) is Kabul?We should be there in less than two months by camel, Ahmad said.If I knew then what I know now, I bu blazeess leader have stood and exclaimed, Tarnation, man, thats over six inches and thirty thousand Friendly vizor Miles But since I didnt know that then, what I said was Shit.I will take you to Kabul, said Ahmad, but what can you do to help cave in your way?I know carpentry, Joshua said. My stepfather taught me how to fix a camel saddle.And you? He looked at me. What can you do?I thought around my experience as a stonecutter, and immediately rejected it. And my training as a small town idiot, which I thought I could always fall back on, wasnt exhalation to help either. I did have my newfound skill as a sex educator, but somehow I didnt think thered be call for that on a two-month trip with fourteen men and one homely woman. So what could I do, what skill had I to quench the way to Kabul?If someone in the caravan croaks Im a great mourner, I said. call for to list a dirge?Ahmad laughed until he shook, then called for Kanuni to bring him his satchel. erstwhile he had it in hand, he dug inside and pulled out the dehydrated newts hed bought from the old hag. Here, youll be needing these, he said.Camels bite. A camel will, for no reason, spit on you, stomp you, kick you, bellow, burp, and fart at you. They are stubborn at their best, and cranky beyond all beli ef at their worst. If you provoke them, they will bite. If you insert a dehydrated amphibian elbow-deep in a camels bum, he considers himself provoked, doubly so if the procedure was performed while he was sleeping. Camels are discerning to stealth. They bite.I can heal that, Joshua said, aspect at the huge tooth tag on my brow. We were following Ahmads caravan along the Silk Road, which was neither a road nor do of silk. It was, in fact, a narrow pass through the nervy inhospitable alpine desert of what is now Syria into the low, inhospitable desert of what is now Iraq.He said sixty long time by camel. Doesnt that mean that we should be riding, not walking?Youre missing your camel pals, arent you? Josh gr hostelryed, that snotty, Son-o-God grin of his. Maybe it was plainly a regular grin.Im just tired. I was up half the darkness sneaking up on these guys.I know, said Joshua. I had to get up at dawn to fix one of the saddles ahead we left. Ahmads tools leave something to be desired.You go a passing play and be the martyr, Josh, just forget about what I was doing all night. Im just saying that we should get to ride sort of of walking.We will, Josh said. incisively not now.The men in the caravan were all riding, although several of them, as well as Kanuni, were on horses. The camels were loaded eat up with great packs of iron tools, powdered dyes, and sandalwood bound for the Orient. At the first highland oasis we crossed, Ahmad traded the horses for four more camels, and Joshua and I were allowed to ride. At night we ate with the abide of the men, sharing boiled grain or net with sesame paste, the odd bit of cheese, mashed chickpeas and garlic, occasionally goat meat, and sometimes the dark hot drink we had discovered in Antioch (mixed with date sugar and illuminateped with bubbling goats milk and cinnamon at my suggestion). Ahmad dined alone in his tent, while the rest of us would dine under the open air awning that we constructed to shelt er us from the hottest part of the day. In the desert, the day gets warmer as it gets later, so the hottest part of the day will be in the late afternoon, just before sun raze brings the hot winds to leach the last moisture from your scratch.None of Ahmads men spoke Aramaic or Hebrew, but they had enough functional Latin and Greek to tease Joshua and me about every number of subjects, their favorite, of course, cosmos my mull over as chief camel deconstipator. The men hailed from a half-dozen different lands, galore(postnominal) we had never heard of. Some were as black as Ethiopians, with high foreheads and long, bonny limbs, while otherwises were squat and bowlegged, with powerful shoulders, high cheekbones, and long wispy mustinessaches handle Ahmads. Not one of them was fat or weak or slow. Before we were a week out of Antioch we portendd out that it only took a couple of men to care for and guide a caravan of camels, so we were perplexed at why someone as shrewd as Ah mad would bring along so many superfluous employees.Bandits, Ahmad said, adjusting his bulk to find a more comfortable position atop his camel. Id need no more than a couple of dolts like you two if it was just the animals that needed tending. Theyre restrains. Why did you think they were all carrying bows and dicks?Yeah, I said, giving Joshua a pestilent look, didnt you see the lances? Theyre guards. Uh, Ahmad, shouldnt Josh and I have lances I mean, when we get to the buccaneer area?Weve been followed by robbers for five days now, Ahmad said.We dont need lances, Joshua said. I will not make a man sin by committing an act of thievery. If a man would have something of mine, he need only ask and I will give it to him.Give me the rest of your money, I said. swallow it, said Joshua.But you just said Yeah, but not to you. to the highest degree nights Joshua and I slept in the open, outside Ahmads tent, or if the night was especially cold, among the camels, where we would get in to their grunting and snorting to get out of the wind. The guards slept in two-man tents, except for two who stood guard all night. Many nights, long after the camp was quiet, Joshua and I would lie looking up at the stars and pondering the great questions of life.Josh, do you think the footpads will fleece us and kill us, or just rob us?Rob us, then kill us, I would think, said Josh. sound in case they missed something that we had hidden, they could torture its whereabouts out of us.Good point, I said.Do you think Ahmad has sex with Kanuni? Joshua asked.I know he does. He told me he does.What do you think its like? With them I mean? Him so fat and her so, you know?Frankly, Joshua, Id rather not think about it. But thanks for putting that picture in my head.You mean you can regard them together?Stop it, Joshua. I cant tell you what sin is like. Youre going to have to do it yourself. Whats next? Ill have to murder someone so I can explain what its like to kill?No, I dont want to kill.Well, that competency be one you have to do, Josh. I dont think the Romans are going to go away because you ask them to.Ill find a way. I just dont know it yet.Wouldnt it be funny if you werent the Messiah? I mean if you abstained from subtile a woman your whole life, only to find out that you were just a minor prophet?Yeah, that would be funny, said Josh. He wasnt smiling. genial of funny?The journey counted to go surprisingly fast once we knew we were being followed by footpads. It gave us something to talk about and our backs stayed limber, as we were always torment in our saddles and checking the horizon. I was almost sad when they finally, after ten days on our trail, decided to attack.Ahmad, who was usually at the front of the caravan, fell back and rode beside us. The buccaneers will ambush us inside that pass just ahead, he said.The road snaked into a canyon with steep slopes on either side topped by rows of huge boulders and wind-eroded towers. Theyre hiding in th ose boulders on top of either ridge, Ahmad said. Dont stare, youll give us away.Joshua said, If you know that theyre going to attack, why not pull up and defend ourselves?They will attack one way or another anyway. Better an ambush we know about than one we dont. And they dont know we know.I noticed the squat guards with the mustaches take short bows from pouches privy their saddles, and as subtly as a man exponent broom a cobweb from his eyelash, they strung the bows. If youd been watching them from a distance youd have hardly seen them move.What do you want us to do? I asked Ahmad. emphasize not to get killed. Especially you, Joshua. Balthasar will be very hazardous indeed if I show up with you dead. Wait, said Joshua, Balthasar knows we are culmination?Why, yes, laughed Ahmad. He told me to look for you. What, you think I help every twin of runts that wander into the market at Antioch?Runts? I had momentarily forgotten about the ambush.How long ago did he tell you to look f or us?I dont know, right after he first left Antioch for Kabul, maybe ten years ago. It doesnt matter now, I have to get back to Kanuni, bandits appal her.Let them get a good look at her, I said. Well see who scares who.Dont look at the ridges, Ahmad said as he rode away.The bandits came down the sides of the canyon like a synchronized avalanche, driving their camels to the edge of balance, pushing a river of rocks and sand before them. There were twenty-five, maybe thirty of them, all dressed in black, half of them on camels waving swords or clubs, the other half on foot with long spears for gutting a camel rider.When they were committed to the charge, all of them sliding down the hillsides, the guards broke our caravan in the middle, leaving an change spot in the road where the bandits charge would culminate. Their momentum was so great that the bandits were unable to change direction. Three of their camels went down trying to pull back.Our guards move into two groups, three i n the front with the long lances, the bowmen just crumb them. When the bowmen were set they let arrows fly into the bandits, and as each fell he took two or three of his cohorts down with him, until in seconds the charge had cancelled into an actual avalanche of rolling stones and men and camels. The camels bellowed and we could hear bones snapping and men screaming as they rolled into a bloody spile on the Silk Road. As each man rose and tried to charge our guards an arrow would drop him in his tracks. One bandit came up mounted on a camel and rode toward the back of the caravan, where the three lancers drove him from his mount in a sprinkle of blood. Every movement in the canyon was met with an arrow. One bandit with a broken leg tried to crawl back up the canyon wall, and an arrow in the back of his skull cut him down.I heard a wailing behind me and before I could turn Joshua rode by me at full gallop, passing the bowmen and the lancers at our side of the caravan, bound for t he mass of dead and dying bandits. He slung himself off his camels back and was running around the bodies like a madman, waving his arms and screaming until I could hear the rasp as his throat went raw.Stop this Stop thisOne bandit moved, trying to get to his feet, and our bowmen drew back to cut him down. Joshua threw his body on top of the bandit and pushed him back to the ground. I heard Ahmad give the restrain to check off.A cloud of dust floated out of the canyon on the gentle desert breeze. A camel with a broken leg bellowed and an arrow in the eye put the animal to rest. Ahmad snatched a lance out of one of the guards hands and rode to where Joshua was shielding the wounded bandit.Move, Joshua, Ahmad said, holding the lance at ready. This must be finished.Joshua looked around him. All of the bandits and all of their animals were dead. Blood ran in rivulets in the dust. Already flies were collecting to feast. Joshua walked through the land of dead bandits until his federal agency was pressed against the bronze point of Ahmads lance. Tears streamed down Joshuas face. This was wrong he screeched.They were bandits. They would have killed us and stolen everything we had if we had not killed them. Does your own God, your father, not destroy those who sin? Now move aside, Joshua. Let this be finished.I am not my father, and neither are you. You will not kill this man.Ahmad lowered the lance and shook his head balefully. He will only die anyway, Joshua. I could sense the guards fidgeting, not knowing what to do.Give me your water jumble, Joshua said.Ahmad threw the water skin down to Joshua, then false his camel and rode back to where the guards waited for him. Joshua took the water to the wounded bandit and held his head as he drank. An arrow protruded from the bandits stomach and his black tunica was shiny with blood. Joshua put his hand gently over the bandits eyes, as if he were telling him to go to sleep, then he yanked out the arrow and tossed it a side. The bandit didnt even flinch. Joshua put his hand over the wound.From the time that Ahmad had ordered them to hold fire, none of the guards had moved. They watched. After a few minutes the bandit sat up and Joshua stepped away from him and smiled. In that instant an arrow sprouted from the bandits forehead and he fell back, dead.No Joshua wheeled around to face Ahmads side of the caravan. The guard who had shot still held the bow, as if he might have to let fly another arrow to finish the job. Howling with rage, Joshua made a gesture as if he were striking the air with his open hand and the guard was lifted back off his camel and slammed into the ground. No more Joshua screamed. When the guard sat up in the dirt his eyes were like silver moons in their sockets. He was blind.Later, when neither of us had spoken for two days, and Joshua and I were relegated to riding far behind the caravan because the guards were afraid of us, I took a drink from my water skin, then handed it to Joshua. He took a drink and handed it back.Thank you, Josh said. He smiled and I knew hed be all right.Hey Joshua, do me a favor.What?Remind me not to piss you off, approve?The city of Kabul was built on five rugged hillsides, with the streets laid out in terraces and the buildings built partly into the hills. There was no secern of Roman or Greek influence in the architecture, but kinda the larger buildings had tile roofs that turned up at the corners, a genius that Joshua and I would see all over Asia before our journey was finished. The people were mostly rugged, wiry people who looked like Arabs without the glow in their skin that came from a diet rich in olive oil. Instead their faces seemed leaner, force by the cold, dry wind of the high desert. In the market there were merchants and traders from China, and more men who looked like Ahmad and his bowmen guards, a race whom the Chinese referred to solely as barbarians.The Chinese are so afraid of my people that they have b uilt a wall, as high as any palace, as wide as the widest boulevard in Rome, and stretching as far as the eye can see ten times over, Ahmad said.Uh-huh, I said, thinking, you lying bag-o-guts.Joshua hadnt spoken to Ahmad since the bandit attack, but he smirked at Ahmads legend of the great wall.Just so, said Ahmad. We will stay at an inn tonight. Tomorrow I will take you to Balthasar. If we leave early we can be there by noon, then youll be the magicians problem, not mine. digest me in front at dawn.That night the innkeeper and his wife served us a dinner of spiced lamb and rice, with some sort of beer made from rice, which water-washed two months of desert grit from our throats and put a pleasant stupor over our minds. To save money, we paid for pallets under the wide curving eaves of the inn, and although it was some comfort to have a roof over my head for the first time in months, I found that I missed looking at the stars as I fell asleep. I lay awake, half drunk, for a long time. Joshua slept the sleep of the innocent.The next day Ahmad met us in front of the inn with two of his African guards and two extra camels in tow. Come on, now. This may be the end of your journey, but it is merely a detour for me, Ahmad said. He threw us each a crust of bread and a hunk of cheese, which I took to mean we were to eat our breakfast on the way.We rode out of Kabul and into the hills until we entered a labyrinth of canyons, which meandered through rugged mountains that looked as if they might have been shaped by God out of clay, then left to bake in the sun until the clay had turned to a deep golden color that reflected light in a spray that ate up shadows and destroyed shade. By noon I had no sense whatsoever of what direction we were traveling, nor could I have sworn that we werent retracing our path through the same canyons over and over, but Ahmads black guards seemed to know their way. lastly they led us around a bend to a simple canyon wall, two hundred feet tall, that stood out from the other canyon walls in that there were windows and balconies carved into it. It was a palace hewn out of upstanding rock. At the base stood an ironclad adit that looked as if it would take twenty men to move.Balthasars house, Ahmad said, prodding his camel to kneel down so he might dismount.Joshua nudged me with his riding stick. Hey, is this what you expected?I shook my head. I dont know what I expected. Maybe something a little I dont know smaller.Could you find your way back out of these canyons if you had to? Joshua asked.Nope. You?Not a chance.Ahmad waddled over to the great room access and pulled a cord that hung down from a hole in the wall. someplace inside we heard the ringing of some great bell. (Only later would we contain that it was the sound of a gong.) A smaller door within the door opened and a girl stuck her head out. What? She had the round face and high cheekbones of an Oriental, and there were great blue wings painted on her fa ce above her eyes.Its Ahmad. Ahmad Mahadd Ubaidullaganji. Ive brought Balthasar the boy he has been waiting for. Ahmad gestured in our direction.The girl looked skeptical. Scrawny. You authoritative thats the one?Thats the one. Tell Balthasar he owes me.Whos that with him?Thats his stupid friend. No extra charge for him.You bring the monkeys paws? the girl asked.Yes, and the other herbs and minerals Balthasar asked for.Okay, wait here. She closed the door, was gone only a second, then returned. shoot just the two of them in, alone. Balthasar must canvas them, then he will deal with you.Theres no need to be mysterious, woman, Ive been in Balthasars house a hundred times. Now quit dilly-dallying and open the door.Silence the girl shouted. The great Balthasar will not be mocked. Send in the boys, alone. Then she slammed the little door and we could hear her cackling echo out the windows above.Ahmad shook his head in disgust and waved us over to the door. Just go. I dont know what he s up to, but just go.Joshua and I dismounted, took our packs off the camels, and edged over to the huge door. Joshua looked at me as if wondering what to do, then reached for the cord to ring the bell, but as he did, the door creaked open just wide enough for one of us to enter if we turned sideways. It was pitch black inside except for a narrow legal community of light, which told us nothing. Joshua again looked at me and raised his eyebrows.Im just the stupid no-extra-charge friend, I said, bowing. After you.Joshua moved though the door and I followed. When we were inside only a few feet, the huge door slammed with a sound like thunder and we stood there in complete darkness. Im sure I could touch things scurrying around my feet in the dark.There was a bright brasslike and a great column of red smoke rose in front of us, illuminated by a light coming from the detonator somewhere. It smelled of brimstone and stung my nose. Joshua coughed and we both backed against the door as a figure stepped out of the smoke. He it stood as tall as any two men, although he was thin. He wore a long purple robe, embroidered with eerie symbols in gold and silver, hooded, so we saw no face, only radiate red eyes set back in a field of black. He held a bright lamp out as if to examine us by the light.Satan, I said under my breath to Joshua, pressing my back against the great iron door so hard that I could face rust flakes imbedding in my skin through my tunic.Its not Satan, Joshua said.Who would disturb the sanctity of my fortress? boomed the figure. I nearly wet myself at hearing his voice.Im Joshua of Nazareth, Joshua said, trying to be casual, but his voice broke on Nazareth. And this is Biff, also of Nazareth. Were looking for Balthasar. He came to Bethlehem, where I was born, many years ago looking for me. I have to ask him some questions.Balthasar is no more of this world. The dark figure reached into his robe and pulled out a glowing dagger, which he held high, th en plunged into his own chest. There was an explosion, a flash, and an anguished roar, as if someone had killed a lion. Joshua and I turned and frantically scratched at the iron door, looking for a latch. We were both making an incoherent terrorized sound that I can only take out as the verbal version of running, sort of an extended rhythmic call that paused only when the last of each lungful of air squeaked out of us.Then I heard the laughing and Joshua grabbed my arm. The laughing got louder. Joshua swung me around to face death in purple. As I turned the dark figure threw back his hood and I saw the grinning black face and shaved head of a man a very tall man, but a man nonetheless. He threw open the robe and I could see that it was, indeed, a man. A man who had been standing on the shoulders of two young Asiatic women who had been hiding beneath the very long robe.Just fuckin with you, he said. Then he giggled.He leapt off of the womens shoulders and took a deep breath befor e doubling over and hugging himself with laughter. Tears streamed out of his big chestnut tree eyes.You should have seen the look on your faces. Girls, did you see that? The women, who wore simple linen robes, didnt seem as amused as the man. They looked embarrassed and a little impatient, as if theyd rather be anywhere else, doing anything but this.Balthasar? Joshua asked.Yeah, said Balthasar, who stood up now and was only a little taller than I was. Sorry, I dont get many visitors. So youre Joshua?Yes, Joshua said, an edge in his voice.I didnt recognize you without the swaddling clothes. And this is your servant?My friend, Biff. equal thing. Bring your friend. Come in. The girls will attend to Ahmad for the time being. He pedunculate off down a corridor into the mountain, his long purple robe trailing behind him like the tail of a dragon.We stood there by the door, not moving, until we realized that once Balthasar turned a corner with his lamp wed be in darkness again, so we took off after him.As we ran down the corridor, I thought of how far we had traveled, and what we had left behind, and I felt as if I was going to be sick to my stomach any second. Wise man? I said to Joshua.My mother has never lied to me, said Josh.That you know of, I said.